Losing This Game Is a Total Goop Effort

Three days into covering Super Bowl XL and I’m already gooped out.

Goop is what my boss calls the barrage of e-mails from public relations and advertising people who try to glom on to the Super Bowl to pitch their expert, their tell-all book, their wacked-out theory -- and somehow relate it to what’s happening on the field.

This is more than a football game, it’s the world’s longest commercial.

My electronic mailbox has gotten so bloated, I feel like consulting the diet-and-digestion specialist who has offered to tell me “how football fans can avoid gassing out their guests at this year’s Super Bowl party.”

Goop. I can’t think of a better word for it. People send my boss gooplicate copies of the e-mails, hoping that he’ll pressure me to get them in the paper. He labels them with subject headings such as “More Goop,” “Bride of Goop,” and “So Much Goop It’s Seeping Out of Your Tear Ducts.”

A sampling of some of the e-mails received in the last few days:

“Whether it is the thrill-seeker in people or a distorted sense of their own ability to beat the odds, individuals with a gambling problem may find themselves drawn to high-risk behaviors like betting on this year’s Super Bowl even though they may have suffered dearly for their behavior in the past.... “

Who might have a stern word for ...

” ... the world’s largest online sports book and casino, is offering an array of game odds and props and has created a state-by-state breakdown of how Americans are betting on this year’s Super Bowl. To view betting trends map.... “

Who surely would want to talk to ...

“In what has become a yearly tradition, Pilot Pen’s Chief Graphology Officer Sheila Kurtz once again picks the winners of the Super Bowl solely from select signatures of AFC & NFC Champion team’s coaches and players. Ms. Kurtz knows nothing about football and cares less....”

Which is only fractionally more scientific than ...

“I go on the national air waves every year to discuss the two Super Bowl teams with my unique Mental Performance Index (MPI)....”

Which sounds as if he also could have written ...

“To most men, it is considered a National Holiday -- it gives you an excuse to sit in front of the TV all day and drink ridiculous amounts of alcohol. Honestly, how could it get ANY better? Well, the good news is: it can!” ...

Which makes sense since ...

“The Super Bowl, a favorite winter ‘holiday’ of beer manufacturers, is fast approaching. ... “

Which goes right along with ...

“Since the Seahawks’ hometown, Seattle, is known for its spectacular seafood, Oyster Bar General Manager Michael Garvey is wagering 40 Pacific Northwest Salmon dinners that the Seahawks will prove victorious; meanwhile, Pittsburgh is the home of Joey Porter-house and the Ben Roethlis-berger with Heinz ketchup, of course, Gallagher’s General Manager Terry Condon picks the Steelers, and will donate 40 steak dinners to City Harvest as his bet....”

Which can lead to the nauseating ...

“[Mike] Ditka partnered with SCOTT Tissue for a ‘cheeky’ look at Halftime of the Big Game. Here’s a stat your readers might not know about -- during halftime of the upcoming big game, an estimated 90 million toilets will be flushed, using enough water to flow over Niagara Falls for seven minutes. This high-traffic bathroom time is known as the Halftime Flush....”

Goop, goop and more goop.

It all makes me wonder whether there’s an expert out there who might be able to quantify how much goop the Super Bowl spawns on an annual basis. It’s certainly a staggering amount, and the ease and convenience of e-mail has kicked it up 10 notches.

It used to be you could wave off those folks handing out fliers. Now, they can ping you night and day.

Of course, there are some legitimate non-football happenings during the week that are the furthest thing from goop, important events such as The Maxim Rock City Party, The Miami Ink XL “Show Us Your Ink” Party, The 10 Party, A Night in Havana -- VIP Celebrity Poker Competition, and others.

And, for the record, I would never make gratuitous mention of any of those fine and highly reputable institutions -- Maxim, Miami Ink, 10, and, uh, Night in Havana? -- to get my name on the list at the door.

To those people, I have one unwavering, unequivocal request:

Goop me.